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i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Today I say goodbye to my sister. Rarely do I write about the intimate details of my life, but this is a new chapter that I'm not quite prepared to read. After rummaging about the endless folders, these images so easily depict the emotionality of what I'm feeling. I wish Alex was here. I couldn't have imagined these circumstances, the recent trials and tribulations that have fallen across our small family like a dark curtain, but with time I suppose all things change. It isn't one of those situations when someone in your family simply moves to another state, and Christmas becomes second to seeing one another after months of sporadic e-mailing. This is different. When she made the impulsive decision (that came quite dauntingly) to pack her belongings and her child, and move to another state to be with a man she'd met only once, all we could do was ask her to stay. I asked a million questions in whisper because I ultimately want her happiness... because through the challenges she's faced over the years she deserves a piece of this life. But I'm angry, confused... and disturbed by the whole fucking situation.
Over the last few weeks, I've tried to embrace her enthusiasm, keeping sadness out of my voice as she takes flight in the mysterious book of journeys.
But now we walk alone as sisters.
I think of all the midnight phone calls, emails, arbitrary text messages, scrawling letters, infrequent holiday visits, and while it's just miles between us, I find myself wondering what happens when families disconnect. I know her, which means seeing my big sister again isn't in the near future. And this sullen moment comes from a string of events spurring back to the days of our childhood. So today we wear the rain like jewelry and reminisce over one of our favorite pieces of literature... because it's all I can do.
I love you, sissy.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i
go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
~E.E. Cummings

Comments

Anonymous said…
I keep reading this and I have been right where you are. Thoughts are with you dear.
Ariadne said…
Lovely post!
Rchliey said…
don't ever fear it
Allison said…
I adore this poem by e.e. Cummings, and while you still write it as a poem of love, which is how I always view it, it's twinged with the sadness and feeling of loss that you're experiencing. I can't imagine your pain, Bella, and I'm so sorry for you.
I hope that everything will work out, and that your sister will always know how much you love and care about her.
Marissa said…
Hang in there sweetheart. You deserve to be happy and I hope your sister finds whatever sh is looking for. I hope she knows what she leaves behind too.

Big hugs XOXOXOX
VintageGoa said…
You are trully beautiful person...lovely post!
xoxo
Allie said…
I can't begin to fathom how you feel. But I'll send good thoughts to you and your family.
diane said…
Omg Bella, this is so deeply emotional and took me a bit off guard. I am very close to one sister, and estranged to the other. It's never easy being separated, I feel your pain. Hugs. xo d
Alex said…
I wish I was there too, my love.
What a beautifully composed post. I feel for you. Hang in.
Kristin said…
I'm so sorry. I hope she finds her way back to you sooner rather than later!
siiri said…
i like your blog!:)
The Seeker said…
I think I can say I've been there since I have my older sister in Canada for 35 years and in the beginning we just met from time to time.
It's really painful, but don't let the emotions that you're living now make you lost contact with her.
Continue to send her e-mails, continue to call, try everything to keep in touch. Don't let proud spoil something beautiful as sister's love. In a few years more than sister you'll be friends forever.
My thoughts are with you, my darling.
Much love xoxo
rossovelvet said…
I really hope things will be better for you both girls; I can tell you distance is not always a bad thing between siblings, even if it's so hard a t first... my big brother and me lived and will live in different cities, but our relationship could NEVER be broken.
And I feel it will be the same for you!!! Courage courage courage.

<3
Anonymous said…
I needed this, for it allowed me to finally let go and cry myself, something I had not yet allowed until now. All I could feel before was anger, I had built my protective shell quite strong, but with your heart felt words, my shell is but that of an egg and it has crumbled. But now, will I ever stop crying? My heart to you my Sweet Bella. Love you Always,
Momma
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ediot said…
i think about you. and i feel for you. take care darling. i hope it does turn out in a better way. that you see her soon.
x
mara said…
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