i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Today I say goodbye to my sister. Rarely do I write about the intimate details of my life, but this is a new chapter that I'm not quite prepared to read. After rummaging about the endless folders, these images so easily depict the emotionality of what I'm feeling. I wish Alex was here. I couldn't have imagined these circumstances, the recent trials and tribulations that have fallen across our small family like a dark curtain, but with time I suppose all things change. It isn't one of those situations when someone in your family simply moves to another state, and Christmas becomes second to seeing one another after months of sporadic e-mailing. This is different. When she made the impulsive decision (that came quite dauntingly) to pack her belongings and her child, and move to another state to be with a man she'd met only once, all we could do was ask her to stay. I asked a million questions in whisper because I ultimately want her happiness... because through the challenges she's faced over the years she deserves a piece of this life. But I'm angry, confused... and disturbed by the whole fucking situation.

Over the last few weeks, I've tried to embrace her enthusiasm, keeping sadness out of my voice as she takes flight in the mysterious book of journeys.

But now we walk alone as sisters.
I think of all the midnight phone calls, emails, arbitrary text messages, scrawling letters, infrequent holiday visits, and while it's just miles between us, I find myself wondering what happens when families disconnect. I know her, which means seeing my big sister again isn't in the near future. And this sullen moment comes from a string of events spurring back to the days of our childhood. So today we wear the rain like jewelry and reminisce over one of our favorite pieces of literature... because it's all I can do.
I love you, sissy.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i
go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
~E.E. Cummings